do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
