If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
