nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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