i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
