I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
