I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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