I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
