dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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