I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize