I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize