My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
