I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
