i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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