I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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