genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
