i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
