The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
