i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
