Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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