My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize