Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
