Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
