I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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