I have demons in me.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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