I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
