I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wish you could order shots online.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
