I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
