forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We just shotgunned beers for America
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
