okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
