i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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