i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize