i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
