I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
