im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
