please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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