Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Randomize
