Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
