Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
