I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize