i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
