You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
