So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
