The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize