If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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