there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
