i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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