woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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