Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
