Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
