How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
