Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
