I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
