we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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