what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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