You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
