I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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