I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
