Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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