why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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