I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
