Just took my morning after pill in the library
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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