The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
