Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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