Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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