Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize