I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
