I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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