I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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