ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
