We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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