get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
