It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
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