so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
